Thank you Based Aqua
by SexAndToast
Summary: Organization 13 hatches a nefarious plot to do something very bad and wrong. Will they succeed in spreading badong? Or will Gnodab prevail in the end? Either way, consequences will never be the same.


Xemnas was his name. Well, not really. Well sort of. Kind of. Basically. Xemnas was a nobody. Not a figurative nobody, he was kind of a big deal. I mean shit, he had a hugeass castle and tons of loyal minio-, er, I mean, soldiers. Xemnas was a nobody as in… he had no body. No, wait, he DID have a body. He didn't have a heart, though. Somehow not having a heart makes you a nobody.

Well, chalk the whole thing up to semantics. Xemnas didn't have a heart, and that made him cranky. He also heard voices in his head. And he had a canker sore in a hard to reach area of his mouth, which no amount of seasalt ice cream could heal.

So, one day, in his hugeass castle filled with millions of mindslaves, Xemnas got an idea. Xemnas got a wonderful *AWFUL* idea. It was raining in the-world-that-never-was-but-somehow-is-anyways, and the sky was dark and gloomy. Nobodies and Heartless alike stalked the dark city, engaging in mortal combat and the fine art of blowing stuff up.

In short, a typical day for the realm of nobodies. Xemnas himself was slouching on his throne, as he tended to do. With a snap of his fingers, he summoned one of his not so trusty retainers. Xemnas looked at the black cloaked figure with disgust. "Xigbar." "Yes, dear leader dude?" The one eyed man was skilled at being respectful and condescending at the same time.

Fortunately for Xemnas, his second in command's skill at trash talk was on par with his sometimes quite literal cut throat efficiency. "I suppose you know why I have summoned you here." "To order me to wipe out some of our enemies, right?" "In a sense. Something has come up. An interesting development that may be quite the opportunity for our little group." "That's what you said about Vexy's program, and we all know how that turned out." Xemnas's nose twitched in disgust, as if he had just smelt two year old milk.

"Well, that is that and this is this." Xigbar shrugged his shoulders. "You're the boss here, so the decision is, y'know, at your discretion and stuff. Your wish is my command, after all." Xemnas waved his right hand dismissively.

"I'll give you your orders soon enough. But more importantly, I need two of our members to check something out in Twilight Town. It's grunt work mostly, so I won't waste your time with it but we need two semi-intelligent beings to take care of it. Our legion of nobodies is incapable of this particular assignment."

For the first time in the conversation, Xigbar's face showed just a bit of apprehensiveness. "….How soon do you need that to be done?" Xemnas raised an eyebrow.

"As soon as possible. Preferably today, tomorrow at the very latest." Xigbar coughed. "Well, you know boss, maybe I should take care of it by myself if it's that important."

"Nonsense, I have need of both you Saix in the castle, to discuss logistics for our main plan. Are no other agents available ? Demyx and Luxord could take care of it." Xigbar scratched his head. "Well, actually, they're busy cleaning up Castle Oblivion." "Taking care of loose ends?" "No, I mean they literally are cleaning that godforsaken place up. There's blood and dirt everywhere. On the walls, floor, ceiling, freaking everywhere. Sheesh, it took us like a week just to get Larxene's remains out of the carpet. And, uh, remember Vexen's hypothesis about how we nobodies void our bowels when we die?Well, he proved it. Or rather, his corpse did."

Xemnas scratched his chin and stared at the ceiling as if he found a free heart vendor there. "Well… uh… I see. Ahem. I guess it can't be helped, send those two then." Xigbar seemed to shrink a few inches. "You don't mean…" Xemnas shrugged his shoulders. "Sadly, I do." Groaning loudly, Xigbar fell to his knees and uttered-

"Fuck." said the half cloaked red haired man…thingy sitting on the clocktower. "Fuck fuck." added his completely cloaked companion. Not to be outdone, the red haired man-thingy continued "Motha motha fuck, motha motha fuck fuck." "Motha fuck motha fuck noich noich noich" countered the sitting shrouded individual. "1, 2" counted the ginger. "1, 2, 3, 4" "Noich, noich, noich" added his partner. "Smoking weed, smoking wizz, doing coke, drinking beers, drinking beers beers beers."

Nodding at his friend's insight, the man-thingy continued "Rolling fatties, smoking blunts." "Who smokes the blunts?" asked the hooded figure. "We smoke the blunts." confirmed the flame haired man-thingy. "Rolling blunts and smoking the bl-" the hooded figure was cut off by the sound of the clocktower's door opening. Two nervous looking boys, one somewhat fat, the other fairly skinny and both no older than fourteen walked out onto the clocktower's balcony and approached the two black cloaked figures.

"Hey….. Axel, right? Can we get a nickel bag?" Axel opened his mouth to speak but was cut-off by his partner. "Fifteen bucks, little man, put that shit, in my hand. If that munny doesn't show you owe me owe me owe!" The skinny one raised an eyebrow. "What's her deal?" Axel waved his hand breezily.

"It's no big deal, cloaky and I over here were just engaging in a bit of urban poetry. Hip hop, if you would." Cloaky chimed in. "We had a sweet flow going until you guys showed up. But, uh, yeah. Fifteen bucks for the nickel bag." The chubbier boy dug into his pocket and pulled out fifteen munny bits and placed them into Cloaky's hand. Cloaky nooded her? head, and Axel dug within his robes and pulled out a small plastic bag containing a certain dubious herb.

The skinnier boy snatched the bag from his hand and headed back into the clock-tower. The chubbier one said thanks, and hurried along after his friend. Axel smirked. "And that makes two hundred and fifteen munny today." "Five hundred munny, if that old lady pays back what she owes us soon."

"You mean Mrs. Jenkins? I doubt she clears up her tab this week, let alone this day." "If you're so pessimistic about her finances then why do you keep on extending her credit?" "Xion, Xion. Poor, naïve, perpetually shrouded in the dark Xion. Everything isn't about munny, you know. Some things are more important than that.

Like watching an old lady get baked. Or better yet, getting baked with an old lady. Or even better still, getting baked with an old lady while she bakes cookies. Or getting baked with an old lady while she bakes cookies and fries bacon. Or-" Xion waved her hand. "Granted. Oh, and good news, I don't think Xigbar or Xemnas suspect a thing." Xion expected his friend to be pleased with the news. After all, their plot to extort munny from the organization by claiming high damages during missions was always a bit dubious.

Xemnas and Xigbar paying for their increasing larger "expenses" and not suspecting a thing was nothing short of a miracle. If anything, Axel should have been pleased by the news.

Instead, he had a look of near complete horror on his face. Less than a second after Xion began to wonder why Axel looked so scared, another voice entered the discussion. "Yo! What don't the Master and I suspect again dude?"

Xion slowly turned around. Standing right behind her was Xigbar, arms crossed and legs straight. "Uh, um, nothing. We were, uh, planning on throwing everyone in Organization 13 a party." "Uh yeah, like, a funeral party. Because Vexen died, and Zexion died, and Larxene died, and Marluxia died, and-" Xigbar shook his head. "As much as I would, uh, love to hear out that plan of yours, I'm afraid to say that I have to interrupt your break." The tone of voice that Xigbar used, along with the smirk on his face made it very clear that he neither feared nor regretted interrupting their appointed break day.

"Yeah, a mission came up. A biggy, too. We need nothing less than the best of the best. And who better to send but the honorable Flurry of Dancing Flames and the Key of Destiny her… him… itself?" Axel was the first to respond. "Ugh, we're sort of in the middle of something here, can't Saix do it?" Xigbar shook his head. "Nah, he's busy cleaning up the mess you and that wannabe hero made." "What's our mission?" Xigbar grinned. "Oh, it's nothing too complicated. I'm sending both of you to a place you know well." Xion and Axel started to shiver. "I think you guys know where I mean." "Halloween Town?" Xion guessed hopefully. "No~" responded Xigbar. "Wonderland?" questioned Axel with a Hail Mary. "Not exactly…." "Traverse Town?" Xion almost begged Xigbar to confirm. "Nah, your favorite world….Agrabah!"

The Key of Destiny and The Flurry of Dancing Flames screams could be heard all throughout the town.


End file.
